For the last several months I've been hearing the word "wait" as the answer to my prayers about my various treatments.
Recently, God opened the door to the Physical Therapy Department in the HSC (Health Sciences Center) and to my new therapist (whom I love), Corrie. She is absolutely awesome and works hard with me to see progress. Then, she rejoices with me over my achievements! I don't think I could ask for a better therapist.
This past week, Corrie invited a doctor of Orthopedics to evaluate me at one of my sessions. They were discussing what kind of braces/electo-therapy to try. In the end we decided to readjust my current night splints, as well as trying a new brace to help my feet to move correctly while I'm walking. Plus, we are going to try the FES (Functional Electrical Stimulation) device on a trial basis to see if it works. We are going to start all of these as trials on Tuesday. This is advantageous because we will only have to check with my insurance about the ones that work.
Physical Therapy is really all I did this week, other than my awesome dinner date I had with Jessica Taylor. :) I had a great week and I really felt the hand of God working through my life.
Thank you, Lord, for all you have done for me. I give you praise for using me to help build and strengthen your kingdom!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
I am a Writer
I have very recently started calling myself a writer.
Why?
As a kid I always liked to write. I use to make up short, happy kid stories and memorize my favorite books so I could recite them anytime I wanted. As I grew older, I became obsessed with the word "diary" and would write page after page about nonsensical activities. I remember in 5th grade we had a weekly journaling assignment, and I actually filled my journal before the end of the school year. In High School I took Honors' English, and then AP English, and I must say that my favorite GEC (General Education Curriculum) classes in college were the English classes.
Writing and reading had become a way of life for me. Somewhere in this cancer battle I'm in I became depressed and could not even pick up a book to read for months. Also, the only writing I did was note taking for church and small groups - nothing creative or lighthearted. I use to process big emotional events by writing poems, but I couldn't even remember the last time I wrote a poem.
Until a couple days ago in the shower. All of a sudden, God blessed me with the style and some of the lines of this masterpiece (as I am calling it). I started writing and it was as if the poem wrote itself. I feel that God has broken my chains and set me free through giving me this poem.
This is HIS doing, not mine.
*Deep Breath* Well, here it is. Please Please Please comment and let me know what you think!
Why?
As a kid I always liked to write. I use to make up short, happy kid stories and memorize my favorite books so I could recite them anytime I wanted. As I grew older, I became obsessed with the word "diary" and would write page after page about nonsensical activities. I remember in 5th grade we had a weekly journaling assignment, and I actually filled my journal before the end of the school year. In High School I took Honors' English, and then AP English, and I must say that my favorite GEC (General Education Curriculum) classes in college were the English classes.
Writing and reading had become a way of life for me. Somewhere in this cancer battle I'm in I became depressed and could not even pick up a book to read for months. Also, the only writing I did was note taking for church and small groups - nothing creative or lighthearted. I use to process big emotional events by writing poems, but I couldn't even remember the last time I wrote a poem.
Until a couple days ago in the shower. All of a sudden, God blessed me with the style and some of the lines of this masterpiece (as I am calling it). I started writing and it was as if the poem wrote itself. I feel that God has broken my chains and set me free through giving me this poem.
This is HIS doing, not mine.
*Deep Breath* Well, here it is. Please Please Please comment and let me know what you think!
Desirable Death
By Stephanie Schiffbauer-Rudash
I close my eyes and then I see
She had to die. She could not be.
Her life was short, her presence long
Listen as she sings her song
She goes to play and thinks that he
Will love all that she wants to be
The music fades - does not remain
He throws her in a pit of shame
New music starts - no, not that part!
It brings her fear, and cuts her heart
She hears it change, and hopes to be
But no, it only changes keys
A man appears and then she sees
His scars of love. She’s on her knees
He sings a song of love so strong
It lifts her up where she belongs
She looks back down from up so high
Sees that her old self has died
Torn between the melodies
Of who she was, or now can be
The memory fades, it cannot be
But Jesus Christ stands next to me
His arms embrace. His lips will say
“Follow me. I know the way.”
His melody is full of heart
Sometimes it fades - no, not that part!
I cannot hear the sweet refrain
All I feel is shame, shame, shame
I cry and cry - sometimes for years
But then he takes away my fears
I know as long as I believe
He will indeed take care of me
*Note: I am planning on publicly sharing and writing prompts/poems/stories I complete in Google Drive. Feel free to stop by if you are interested in my stuff. the link to my DRIVE is HERE
I am praying for God to lead me in the direction He wants me to go - whether that's towards more writing or not.
Friday, April 19, 2013
God Answers Prayers
This year my church is collectively studying a book called, "Ashes to Fire" through the Lenten and Easter seasons, ending at Pentecost. In the first devotional you are asked to reflect about what your hopes are for the time spent with the book (or at least, that's how I used it).
Recently, I felt compelled to look back at my early reflections and this is what I read:
"Dear Father,
Please be with me as I study your word and grow closer to you.
I ask that you remind me not to put on a front, but to come to you empty so that you can fill me each and every day.
Please help me to desire you each day, I don’t want to have funk days, so please help me with this, Lord, because I can’t do it without you.
Amen."
Well, friends, God has answered my prayers! Remember my last post in which I talked about the online Bible study I am involved and how God is challenging me to let him break my walls down? Well, as you can see, that's exactly what I prayed for in February. Also, in the same bible study, we are talking about letting God satisfy and fill us each day.
Going back and reading my prayer from February and seeing how far I have come really blessed me. I have been filled with the Holy Spirit all week and felt that I might touch someone by sharing this revelation.
I've been blessed by this week's Ashes to Fire song, "He Leadeth Me." I created a slide show to go with it so I could upload it for all of you to hear :)
Have a blessed day in the Lord!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Praise Him, Praise Him, Praise Him!!!
The last couple of weeks have been pretty crazy, but let me begin with a verse that I have seen come true in my life recently
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 NLT
Last week I skipped my PT appointment, but made it to my Neurology one. I really wasn't thrilled with this appointment. I am pretty sure I saw a resident first. When her attending physician came in she had to stop and say "excuse me, I need to teach for a minute." I was floored.
Last week I also was able to make it to church and small group. I really had a great time and enjoyed getting to see and catch-up with everyone.
THIS week I went to my new PT appointment and LOVED it! I felt like instead of doing exercises such as squats, calf raises, etc (at the last place), my new therapist has me doing more functional activities to teach my body to move the way it use to. I am very excited to go back! :)
Also, we are getting out Central Heating/Air Conditioning put in this week. Yay!
Today was my cancer center day. Great news - my Oncologist gave me a month off. No treatment this month because new studies are coming out that sound like my treatments are causing the problems I've been having. I am taking time off from the drug to work on Physical Therapy and see how much progress I can make,
Next month I will have a PET scan, and then my doctor will determine if he wants me back on this treatment. If he does, it will be at a decreased dosage.
Well... that's whats up with my life right now. I am feeling great, and I want to give God all the glory for the way this has all fallen together perfectly!
Also, please feel free to comment. I would love to read them. Just click where it says "no comments" and I have instructions listed. Love you guys!
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28 NLT
Last week I skipped my PT appointment, but made it to my Neurology one. I really wasn't thrilled with this appointment. I am pretty sure I saw a resident first. When her attending physician came in she had to stop and say "excuse me, I need to teach for a minute." I was floored.
Last week I also was able to make it to church and small group. I really had a great time and enjoyed getting to see and catch-up with everyone.
THIS week I went to my new PT appointment and LOVED it! I felt like instead of doing exercises such as squats, calf raises, etc (at the last place), my new therapist has me doing more functional activities to teach my body to move the way it use to. I am very excited to go back! :)
Also, we are getting out Central Heating/Air Conditioning put in this week. Yay!
Today was my cancer center day. Great news - my Oncologist gave me a month off. No treatment this month because new studies are coming out that sound like my treatments are causing the problems I've been having. I am taking time off from the drug to work on Physical Therapy and see how much progress I can make,
Next month I will have a PET scan, and then my doctor will determine if he wants me back on this treatment. If he does, it will be at a decreased dosage.
Well... that's whats up with my life right now. I am feeling great, and I want to give God all the glory for the way this has all fallen together perfectly!
Also, please feel free to comment. I would love to read them. Just click where it says "no comments" and I have instructions listed. Love you guys!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Are You Sure You're Fine?
Isn't is amazing when you join a Bible Study thinking it will help with a specific issue you're having, and then God shows you His plan for using the study in you life?
I have recently been struggling with doubts about going out of the house - specifically to church or small group. I was inspired to join a Bible Study through Proverbs 31 Ministries in which Renee Swoop is leading participants through her book A Confident Heart. I believed this would allow me to be more confident about leaving the house - which it has - along with so much more.
Renee talks about how we put up walls to hide how we're really feeling from everyone, including God. At first, I skipped over this part. Then I began to pray. I prayed for God to break down my walls and open my eyes. The next thing I knew, the walls being broken down were walls I didn't know existed - walls between me and God, and walls between me and myself.
Through this process, which I am still daily undergoing, I learned two things. First, that I wasn't praying genuinely to God about the many issues I am facing in my life. Sure I would pray something like, "Dear God, Please help me get through this chemo treatment (or PET scan, or PT sessions, etc)" but it was all very factual and lacking emotions. Emotions I think I've been afraid to face.
Second, I wasn't aware of my true feelings about these situations. I had always looked at the facts and faced what I needed to with a brave face. That's who I am. But it has caused me to lose sight of me. When I see myself I see a girl that has been through a lot and is as "tough as nails" as my Oncologist says. That is true, but what about this girl's heart? How does she feel about these things happening to her? I don't know, and I am that girl.
In her book, Renee says, "We put up walls and hide our struggles, even from God, hoping we'll convince Him and everyone else we're fine." I've done this so well I convinced myself.
How about you? Are you trying to convince everyone that you're fine? Have you done such a good job at it that you've convinced yourself too?
Next, Renee tells us how this pretending can cause us to lose our confident heart: "Pretending leads to hiding and isolation. What we need is someone who will pursue us and accept us even though we're flawed."
Hiding and isolation. That's what I did. Every Sunday morning or Wednesday evening, I would hide at home rather than going to church or small group - because I didn't know why my confident heart was gone, or how to find it again.
Jesus is that person who will accept despite our flaws. He is constantly pursuing us. The problem is, He can't accept us until we break down our facade and face Him with the truth.
So if you feel like something isn't gelling in your spiritual life, make sure you're not fooling yourself along with everyone else. You may discover there's something you weren't aware of holding you back.
Quotes were taken from A Confident Heart by Renee Swoop. If you would like more information about Renee and her book, please click here.
Also, if you are interested in joining a Proverbs 31 Ministries' bible study, or seeing what all they have to offer, please click here.
I have recently been struggling with doubts about going out of the house - specifically to church or small group. I was inspired to join a Bible Study through Proverbs 31 Ministries in which Renee Swoop is leading participants through her book A Confident Heart. I believed this would allow me to be more confident about leaving the house - which it has - along with so much more.
Renee talks about how we put up walls to hide how we're really feeling from everyone, including God. At first, I skipped over this part. Then I began to pray. I prayed for God to break down my walls and open my eyes. The next thing I knew, the walls being broken down were walls I didn't know existed - walls between me and God, and walls between me and myself.
Through this process, which I am still daily undergoing, I learned two things. First, that I wasn't praying genuinely to God about the many issues I am facing in my life. Sure I would pray something like, "Dear God, Please help me get through this chemo treatment (or PET scan, or PT sessions, etc)" but it was all very factual and lacking emotions. Emotions I think I've been afraid to face.
Second, I wasn't aware of my true feelings about these situations. I had always looked at the facts and faced what I needed to with a brave face. That's who I am. But it has caused me to lose sight of me. When I see myself I see a girl that has been through a lot and is as "tough as nails" as my Oncologist says. That is true, but what about this girl's heart? How does she feel about these things happening to her? I don't know, and I am that girl.
In her book, Renee says, "We put up walls and hide our struggles, even from God, hoping we'll convince Him and everyone else we're fine." I've done this so well I convinced myself.
How about you? Are you trying to convince everyone that you're fine? Have you done such a good job at it that you've convinced yourself too?
Next, Renee tells us how this pretending can cause us to lose our confident heart: "Pretending leads to hiding and isolation. What we need is someone who will pursue us and accept us even though we're flawed."
Hiding and isolation. That's what I did. Every Sunday morning or Wednesday evening, I would hide at home rather than going to church or small group - because I didn't know why my confident heart was gone, or how to find it again.
Jesus is that person who will accept despite our flaws. He is constantly pursuing us. The problem is, He can't accept us until we break down our facade and face Him with the truth.
So if you feel like something isn't gelling in your spiritual life, make sure you're not fooling yourself along with everyone else. You may discover there's something you weren't aware of holding you back.
Quotes were taken from A Confident Heart by Renee Swoop. If you would like more information about Renee and her book, please click here.
Also, if you are interested in joining a Proverbs 31 Ministries' bible study, or seeing what all they have to offer, please click here.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Lessons Learned
This week has been very enlightening for me. It has been an up and down week, but I definitely think it ended on an up. :)
These are the lessons I learned, which will pretty much sum up my week.
Lesson #1 - Don't forget to take your medicine - especially a steroid you've been on for 5 years. I realized last Sunday (March 31st) that I only had enough Prednisone for Monday and my bottle had zero refills. Monday afternoon I called my Doctor's office prescription refill line, but it apparently wasn't early enough. My dad picked up my medicine on Tuesday, but by then I had forgot I needed it in my pill planner. Wednesday came and I felt absolutely awful. I planted myself on the couch and determined I would not be moved for the day. Finally, I remembered my Prednisone, and started taking it again. Needless to say, I am feeling much better now.
Lesson #2- Don't commit to walking somewhere until you know the distance. I had a Physical Therapy consult in the Health Sciences Center with the head therapist. Instead of trying to explain to me how to get there she suggested I meet her in the Cancer Center lobby. When there, she asked if I could walk or needed a wheel chair. I, of course, professed I could walk it and if I needed assistance I could hold onto my mom. Well... We walked all the way through the Cancer center to the cafeteria, went down a hall, up an elevator, down a couple more halls........ and THEN we made it. She asked me to show her my balance work I do at home, which went horribly because my legs were tired from walking a freaking mile.
I don't remember if I mentioned how the appointment went before, but basically she's not specialized in feet therapy so I'm going back this week to meet with a colleague of hers who does know about feet.
Lesson #3 - Repetitive yelling of "Mouse!" does not make the mouse any more cooperative about being caught, nor does it make the cat any less willing to give up the mouse. Yes, we had a mouse in the house on Saturday. Mom and Dad chased Tony, who was playing with it by letting it go and catching it again, for a couple hours before the vermin was finally caught and freed outside. The mouse was only slightly injured, but the house looked like a tornado zone after moving stuff around looking for the darn thing. Haha... it was GREAT entertainment for the day.
Lesson #4 (the serious one) - Don't skip your usual quiet devotional time by convincing yourself you can do it later. Yes, in fact, you probably can do it later. But will you? I'm going to guess the answer is probably not. I was hoping for a productive day but didn't feel like opening my Bible first thing in the morning, and guess what. I did NOTHING productive. What did I do? I watched TV, watched Tony chase that mouse, played some facebook games (Farm Ville addict right here), played Little Big Planet on my PS3, and topped it off with watching "Dark Shadows" with my mom. Yes, I did do my devotions before bed, but it didn't feel the same - and it DEFINITELY made a difference to my whole day.
This week I have two appointments - the Physical Therapy appointment previously mentioned and a Neurology appointment for my feet as well. Will update with those after I figure out what's going on.
Have a great week everyone!
These are the lessons I learned, which will pretty much sum up my week.
Lesson #1 - Don't forget to take your medicine - especially a steroid you've been on for 5 years. I realized last Sunday (March 31st) that I only had enough Prednisone for Monday and my bottle had zero refills. Monday afternoon I called my Doctor's office prescription refill line, but it apparently wasn't early enough. My dad picked up my medicine on Tuesday, but by then I had forgot I needed it in my pill planner. Wednesday came and I felt absolutely awful. I planted myself on the couch and determined I would not be moved for the day. Finally, I remembered my Prednisone, and started taking it again. Needless to say, I am feeling much better now.
Lesson #2- Don't commit to walking somewhere until you know the distance. I had a Physical Therapy consult in the Health Sciences Center with the head therapist. Instead of trying to explain to me how to get there she suggested I meet her in the Cancer Center lobby. When there, she asked if I could walk or needed a wheel chair. I, of course, professed I could walk it and if I needed assistance I could hold onto my mom. Well... We walked all the way through the Cancer center to the cafeteria, went down a hall, up an elevator, down a couple more halls........ and THEN we made it. She asked me to show her my balance work I do at home, which went horribly because my legs were tired from walking a freaking mile.
I don't remember if I mentioned how the appointment went before, but basically she's not specialized in feet therapy so I'm going back this week to meet with a colleague of hers who does know about feet.
Lesson #3 - Repetitive yelling of "Mouse!" does not make the mouse any more cooperative about being caught, nor does it make the cat any less willing to give up the mouse. Yes, we had a mouse in the house on Saturday. Mom and Dad chased Tony, who was playing with it by letting it go and catching it again, for a couple hours before the vermin was finally caught and freed outside. The mouse was only slightly injured, but the house looked like a tornado zone after moving stuff around looking for the darn thing. Haha... it was GREAT entertainment for the day.
Lesson #4 (the serious one) - Don't skip your usual quiet devotional time by convincing yourself you can do it later. Yes, in fact, you probably can do it later. But will you? I'm going to guess the answer is probably not. I was hoping for a productive day but didn't feel like opening my Bible first thing in the morning, and guess what. I did NOTHING productive. What did I do? I watched TV, watched Tony chase that mouse, played some facebook games (Farm Ville addict right here), played Little Big Planet on my PS3, and topped it off with watching "Dark Shadows" with my mom. Yes, I did do my devotions before bed, but it didn't feel the same - and it DEFINITELY made a difference to my whole day.
This week I have two appointments - the Physical Therapy appointment previously mentioned and a Neurology appointment for my feet as well. Will update with those after I figure out what's going on.
Have a great week everyone!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Energy - What's that???
My energy level has been so up and down it drives me crazy. I cannot have a consistent schedule because I never know if I'm going to physically be able to do the same things every day/week/month.
This week has been an excellent example:
Monday I had an appointment with the head Physical Therapist with WVU Healthcare. I met her in the lobby at the cancer center, and then walked to the PT room (which was a longer walk than I had anticipated). We discussed everything that's happened to me, and she evaluated me. Basically, she thinks what I am doing is good (which is walking on the treadmill for 20 mins M-F and doing various leg strengthening and feet exercises). Because she is not a specialist when it comes to feet problems, she is going to discuss it with some colleagues that are specialized in that area. So I will probably be going back for another appointment to hear their opinion.
Anyhow - I had to walk back to the cancer center afterwards, and then I had to go to PetCo because my cats were out of food.
Since then I have felt like a zombie. I haven't walked or done any form of physical therapy, and I've actually been falling asleep during the day, which is unusual for me.
What's a girl to do? The only thing I can do is take it day by day and pray that my recovery time will shorten so that I can stop making backward progress (oxymoron?) during my down time.
This week has been an excellent example:
Monday I had an appointment with the head Physical Therapist with WVU Healthcare. I met her in the lobby at the cancer center, and then walked to the PT room (which was a longer walk than I had anticipated). We discussed everything that's happened to me, and she evaluated me. Basically, she thinks what I am doing is good (which is walking on the treadmill for 20 mins M-F and doing various leg strengthening and feet exercises). Because she is not a specialist when it comes to feet problems, she is going to discuss it with some colleagues that are specialized in that area. So I will probably be going back for another appointment to hear their opinion.
Anyhow - I had to walk back to the cancer center afterwards, and then I had to go to PetCo because my cats were out of food.
Since then I have felt like a zombie. I haven't walked or done any form of physical therapy, and I've actually been falling asleep during the day, which is unusual for me.
What's a girl to do? The only thing I can do is take it day by day and pray that my recovery time will shorten so that I can stop making backward progress (oxymoron?) during my down time.
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