Sometimes I'm a Big Chicken

I pride myself on being a tough girl - "tough as nails" as my Oncologist puts it.  Sometimes the attributes in which one takes pride is the undoing of that person.

The PET scan I was scheduled for today ended up with lots of tears, rescheduling, and then ice cream from Sonic at the end.  I chickened out, plain and simple.  Why?

I am about to tear down a wall I usually put up, so this may be a new side of me for some people.

I fail myself - a lot.  Sometimes all of my medical issues I've been having for 6 years really gets to me and makes me depressed.  Sometimes I look into the future and see nothing because there is still no visible end to this vicious cycle called cancer.  Usually it doesn't get to me, but when it does I put up a wall with a smile on it to hide the cracks in my composure.

Today was one of those failure days.  Normally PET scans do not have an affect on me, and it wasn't the PET scan I feared. It was the unknown - what the results would bring.  I haven't had a treatment in 2 months, and I have made SO MUCH progress in physical therapy.  Everyday my therapist tells me she sees an improvement, and I see it too.  I have more stamina, I can stand without always needing to hold onto something, etc.  Suddenly there's more hope in being able to do normal things than ever before.

And then the PET scan.  History has shown that whenever Im off a treatment something happens to make the cancer grow/spread and I have to go back on treatments.  My treatment is at least part of the reason I'm in physical therapy for Neuropathy, balance, intrinsic weakness, etc.

That unknown I am afraid of is what will happen if I'm put back on that treatment? Or, even still, what will happen if I'm left without treatment?

I'm not trying to play the "what if" game - I'm a believer of "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," but I don't want to have to cross it. I'm desperately looking for a detour around this bridge,  Unfortunately there is none to be found.