Sometimes I'm a Big Chicken

I pride myself on being a tough girl - "tough as nails" as my Oncologist puts it.  Sometimes the attributes in which one takes pride is the undoing of that person.

The PET scan I was scheduled for today ended up with lots of tears, rescheduling, and then ice cream from Sonic at the end.  I chickened out, plain and simple.  Why?

I am about to tear down a wall I usually put up, so this may be a new side of me for some people.

I fail myself - a lot.  Sometimes all of my medical issues I've been having for 6 years really gets to me and makes me depressed.  Sometimes I look into the future and see nothing because there is still no visible end to this vicious cycle called cancer.  Usually it doesn't get to me, but when it does I put up a wall with a smile on it to hide the cracks in my composure.

Today was one of those failure days.  Normally PET scans do not have an affect on me, and it wasn't the PET scan I feared. It was the unknown - what the results would bring.  I haven't had a treatment in 2 months, and I have made SO MUCH progress in physical therapy.  Everyday my therapist tells me she sees an improvement, and I see it too.  I have more stamina, I can stand without always needing to hold onto something, etc.  Suddenly there's more hope in being able to do normal things than ever before.

And then the PET scan.  History has shown that whenever Im off a treatment something happens to make the cancer grow/spread and I have to go back on treatments.  My treatment is at least part of the reason I'm in physical therapy for Neuropathy, balance, intrinsic weakness, etc.

That unknown I am afraid of is what will happen if I'm put back on that treatment? Or, even still, what will happen if I'm left without treatment?

I'm not trying to play the "what if" game - I'm a believer of "we'll cross that bridge when we come to it," but I don't want to have to cross it. I'm desperately looking for a detour around this bridge,  Unfortunately there is none to be found.

Great, but Exhausting Week

I have never felt more blessed by God than I did this week.  Between my two AWESOME small groups and the way God worked my week out for me, I cannot be happier or praise Him more!

The week started pretty sucky because I started getting a sore throat (which usually takes me out for  week or more). Thank God I was better enough by Tuesday to go to my PT appointment to try out the new braces and electro devices they had for me.  I was skeptical about the braces from past experience, but it actually turned out well.  I am now waiting for an appointment to have them shaped specifically for me.  The function of the brace is to help me pull the front of my foot up while I walk so that they don't drag and make me trip.

I also received an empi device for electro therapy.  It is designed to stimulate my nerves and muscles so they strengthen and respond better to the signals from my brain when I'm trying to flex my feet.  So far I have used it twice a day with some slight involuntary toe/foot movement.  Right now I  am on a trial basis with this device. If we decide it helps, hopefully my insurance will pay for it. If not, I bet it's a very very pretty penny.

In addition, I know she doesn't read this, but my therapist, Corrie, is really awesome.  I came to her this week asking about working it out for me to go to Summersville this weekend, and she worked it out with no problem! She is awesome, and God couldn't have found a better person for me to be working with right now.

Friday was a great night,  I will add the video to prove it soon.

Reprieve from a Season of Waiting

For the last several months I've been hearing the word "wait" as the answer to my prayers about my various treatments.

Recently, God opened the door to the Physical Therapy Department in the HSC (Health Sciences Center) and to my new therapist (whom I love), Corrie.  She is absolutely awesome and works hard with me to see progress.  Then, she rejoices with me over my achievements! I don't think I could ask for a better therapist.

This past week, Corrie invited a doctor of Orthopedics to evaluate me at one of my sessions.  They were discussing what kind of braces/electo-therapy to try.  In the end we decided to readjust my current night splints, as well as trying a new brace to help my feet to move correctly while I'm walking.  Plus, we are going to try the FES (Functional Electrical Stimulation) device on a trial basis to see if it works.  We are going to start all of these as trials on Tuesday.  This is advantageous because we will only have to check with my insurance about the ones that work.

Physical Therapy is really all I did this week, other than my awesome dinner date I had with Jessica Taylor. :)   I had a great week and I really felt the hand of God working through my life.

Thank you, Lord, for all you have done for me.  I give you praise for using me to help build and strengthen your kingdom!

I am a Writer

I have very recently started calling myself a writer.
Why?
As a kid I always liked to write.  I use to make up short, happy kid stories and memorize my favorite books so I could recite them anytime I wanted.  As I grew older, I became obsessed with the word "diary" and would write page after page about nonsensical activities.  I remember in 5th grade we had a weekly journaling assignment, and I actually filled my journal before the end of the school year.  In High School I took Honors' English, and then AP English, and I must say that my favorite GEC (General Education Curriculum) classes in college were the English classes.

Writing and reading had become a way of life for me.  Somewhere in this cancer battle I'm in I became depressed and could not even pick up a book to read for months.  Also, the only writing I did was note taking for church and small groups - nothing creative or lighthearted.  I use to process big emotional events by writing poems, but I couldn't even remember the last time I wrote a poem.

Until a couple days ago in the shower.  All of a sudden, God blessed me with the style and some of the lines of this masterpiece (as I am calling it).  I started writing and it was as if the poem wrote itself.  I feel that God has broken my chains and set me free through giving me this poem.
This is HIS doing, not mine.

*Deep Breath*   Well, here it is.  Please Please Please comment and let me know what you think!

Desirable Death

By Stephanie Schiffbauer-Rudash

I close my eyes and then I see

She had to die. She could not be.

Her life was short, her presence long

Listen as she sings her song

She goes to play and thinks that he

Will love all that she wants to be

The music fades - does not remain

He throws her in a pit of shame

New music starts - no, not that part!

It brings her fear, and cuts her heart

She hears it change, and hopes to be

But no, it only changes keys

A man appears and then she sees

His scars of love.  She’s on her knees

He sings a song of love so strong

It lifts her up where she belongs

She looks back down from up so high

Sees that her old self has died

Torn between the melodies

Of who she was, or now can be

The memory fades, it cannot be

But Jesus Christ stands next to me

His arms embrace. His lips will say

“Follow me. I know the way.”

His melody is full of heart

Sometimes it fades - no, not that part!

I cannot hear the sweet refrain

All I feel is shame, shame, shame

I cry and cry - sometimes for years

But then he takes away my fears

I know as long as I believe

He will indeed take care of me

*Note: I am planning on publicly sharing and writing prompts/poems/stories I complete in Google Drive. Feel free to stop by if you are interested in my stuff. the link to my DRIVE is HERE

I am praying for God to lead me in the direction He wants me to go - whether that's towards more writing or not.

God Answers Prayers

This year my church is collectively studying a book called, "Ashes to Fire" through the Lenten and Easter seasons, ending at Pentecost.  In the first devotional you are asked to reflect about what your hopes are for the time spent with the book (or at least, that's how I used it).

Recently, I felt compelled to look back at my early reflections and this is what I read:

"Dear Father,
Please be with me as I study your word and grow closer to you.
I ask that you remind me not to put on a front, but to come to you empty so that you can fill me each and every day.
Please help me to desire you each day,  I don’t want to have funk days, so please help me with this, Lord, because I can’t do it without you.
Amen."

Well, friends, God has answered my prayers!  Remember my last post in which I talked about the online Bible study I am involved and how God is challenging me to let him break my walls down?  Well, as you can see, that's exactly what I prayed for in February.  Also, in the same bible study, we are talking about letting God satisfy and fill us each day.

Going back and reading my prayer from February and seeing how far I have come really blessed me.  I have been filled with the Holy Spirit all week and felt that I might touch someone by sharing this revelation.

 I've been blessed by this week's Ashes to Fire song, "He Leadeth Me."   I created a slide show to go with it so I could upload it for all of you to hear :)

Have a blessed day in the Lord! 

Praise Him, Praise Him, Praise Him!!!

The last couple of weeks have been pretty crazy, but let me begin with a verse that I have seen come true in my life recently

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."  Romans 8:28 NLT

Last week I skipped my PT appointment, but made it to my Neurology one.  I really wasn't thrilled with this appointment.  I am pretty sure I saw a resident first.  When her attending physician came in she had to stop and say "excuse me, I need to teach for a minute."  I was floored.

Last week I also was able to make it to church and small group.  I really had a great time and enjoyed getting to see and catch-up with everyone.

THIS week I went to my new PT appointment and LOVED it!  I felt like instead of doing exercises such as squats, calf raises, etc (at the last place), my new therapist has me doing more functional activities to teach my body to move the way it use to.  I am very excited to go back! :)

Also, we are getting out Central Heating/Air Conditioning put in this week. Yay!

Today was my cancer center day.  Great news - my Oncologist gave me a month off.  No treatment this month because new studies are coming out that sound like my treatments are causing the problems I've been having.  I am taking time off from the drug to work on Physical Therapy and see how much progress I can make,

Next month I will have a PET scan, and then my doctor will determine if he wants me back on this treatment.  If he does, it will be at a decreased dosage.

Well... that's whats up with my life right now.  I am feeling great, and I want to give God all the glory for the way this has all fallen together perfectly!



Also, please feel free to comment.  I would love to read them.  Just click where it says "no comments" and I have instructions listed.  Love you guys!

Are You Sure You're Fine?

Isn't is amazing when you join a Bible Study thinking it will help with a specific issue you're having, and then God shows you His plan for using the study in you life?

I have recently been struggling with doubts about going out of the house - specifically to church or small group.  I was inspired to join a Bible Study through Proverbs 31 Ministries in which Renee Swoop is leading participants through her book A Confident Heart.  I believed this would allow me to be more confident about leaving the house - which it has - along with so much more.

Renee talks about how we put up walls to hide how we're really feeling from everyone, including God.    At first, I skipped over this part.  Then I began to pray.  I prayed for God to break down my walls and open my eyes. The next thing I knew, the walls being broken down were walls I didn't know existed -  walls between me and God, and walls between me and myself.

Through this process, which I am still daily undergoing, I learned two things. First, that I wasn't praying genuinely to God about the many issues I am facing in my life.  Sure I would pray something like, "Dear God, Please help me get through this chemo treatment (or PET scan, or PT sessions, etc)" but it was all very factual and lacking emotions.  Emotions I think I've been afraid to face.

Second, I wasn't aware of my true feelings about these situations.  I had always looked at the facts and faced what I needed to with a brave face. That's who I am.  But it has caused me to lose sight of me.  When I see myself I see a girl that has been through a lot and is as "tough as nails" as my Oncologist says.  That is true, but what about this girl's heart?  How does she feel about these things happening to her?  I don't know, and I am that girl.

In her book, Renee says, "We put up walls and hide our struggles, even from God, hoping we'll convince Him and everyone else we're fine."  I've done this so well I convinced myself.

How about you?  Are you trying to convince everyone that you're fine?  Have you done such a good job at it that you've convinced yourself too?

Next, Renee tells us how this pretending can cause us to lose our confident heart: "Pretending leads to hiding and isolation.  What we need is someone who will pursue us and accept us even though we're flawed."

Hiding and isolation. That's what I did.  Every Sunday morning or Wednesday evening, I would hide at home rather than going to church or small group - because I didn't know why my confident heart was gone, or how to find it again.

Jesus is that person who will accept despite our flaws.  He is constantly pursuing us.  The problem is, He can't accept us until we break down our facade and face Him with the truth.

So if you feel like something isn't gelling in your spiritual life, make sure you're not fooling yourself along with everyone else.  You may discover there's something you weren't aware of holding you back.




Quotes were taken from A Confident Heart by Renee Swoop.  If you would like more information about Renee and her book, please click here.

Also, if you are interested in joining a Proverbs 31 Ministries' bible study, or seeing what all they have to offer, please click here.